Something to make your travel plans seem trivial.
Ten Years of Twisted Travel
Directly from a MSNBC Feed
Introduction
Ring out the old, ring in the new and rack up another decade in the annals of bizarre travel behavior. That's right, folks, it's time to celebrate the end of 2009 with a look back at some of the strangest stories of the last 10 years.
To mark the occasion, our esteemed panel of judges would like to announce the Dotty Hall of Fame. Taking its name from the Department of Transportation (DOT), the DHoF will serve as a bastion of travel-related buffoonery and will honor a select few with awards that are destined to take their place alongside the Pulitzer, the Nobel Peace Prize and the chief judge's first bowling trophy.
OK, we made that last part up -- he's a terrible bowler -- but everything that follows is 100 percent true. As Jerry Garcia et al. once warbled, "What a long, strange trip it's been."
Pigs with wings
Some little piggies go to market, some little piggies stay home, but only one (as far as we know) has managed to fly first class all the way from Philadelphia to Seattle.
In October 2000, Charlotte, a scale-squasher of a potbellied pig, flew on a US Airways flight -- free, no less -- after her owner convinced airline employees that her porcine companion was a service animal.
The FAA later agreed, citing disability rules and forever ruining the phrase "yeah, when pigs fly."
Buzzing baggage
When it comes to packing your luggage, three basic rules apply: pack light, pack in layers and, please, remove the batteries from your adult sex toys.
Alas, in Dallas in 2002, one Florida woman failed to observe Rule No. 3, which led to a bit of a kerfuffle on the tarmac after Delta baggage handlers became concerned about the buzzing noise coming from her bag.
Upon further investigation, the device turned out to be an erotic one, not an explosive one, and the situation was defused with the flick of a switch (except, of course, for the inevitable lawsuit).
Moons over Miami
Travel in the buff has been around since Adam and Eve walked out of the Garden of Eden, but credit the folks at Castaways Travel in Houston for pioneering the concept of naked air travel.
In May 2003, 90 intrepid souls unfastened a lot more than their seat belts on a charter flight to Cancun for a week of clothing-optional fun in the sun.
The judges would like to go on record and say that they are generally in favor of nudity, but they do hope that plane got a major cleaning before its next flight.
An ill wind
In December 2006, an American Airlines flight between Washington and Dallas was diverted to Nashville after several passengers smelled what appeared to be burning matches.
The culprit, it turned out, was not a Richard Reid wannabe, but rather, a woman who had sought to cover up some gas she had passed due to a medical condition.
The judges feel her pain -- usually after eating broccoli, for some reason -- but would be remiss if they didn’t mention that frowning, nose-wrinkling and casting accusing glances at other passengers has always worked for them.
Fool for love Breaking up, as they say, is hard to do, but we’re pretty sure there are better ways than the one April Wormly used in April 2007.
In an apparent attempt to end a relationship, Ms. Wormly called the San Antonio airport -- not once, not twice, but 36 times -- and claimed there was a bomb on board a plane carrying her boyfriend.
The plane was diverted; the passengers were evacuated (no bomb was found), and Ms. Wormly, we suspect, got her wish by getting sentenced to two years in prison.
Next time, might we suggest just changing your status on Facebook?
Undressed for success
Pity poor Kyla Ebbert, who found herself humiliated in July 2007 when a Southwest Airlines flight attendant told her that her mini-skirt-and-skimpy-sweater ensemble was inappropriate attire for a "family airline."
Did she argue? Threaten to sue? No, she parlayed the experience into, among other things, a publicity event with Sir Richard Branson, multiple TV appearances and a steamy pictorial in Playboy that made her previous outfit look like a burqa.
(An honorable mention goes to Southwest for letting an overzealous flight attendant enforce a non-existent dress code in the first place.)
Dressed for arrest Speaking of fashion faux pas, MIT student Star Simpson had a wardrobe malfunction of another sort when she showed up at Boston's Logan Airport in September 2007 wearing a sweatshirt adorned with an electronic "breadboard," wires and a 9-volt battery.
Unaware of her interest in wearable electronics, authorities considered it a hoax device and arrested her at gunpoint.
Amid the ensuing debate over free speech vs. public safety, Ms. Simpson got probation, produced an online manual on how to make a similar outfit and admitted that wearing one to the airport probably wasn't such a good idea.
Celebs behaving badly
So many celebrities, so much bad behavior: A phone-throwing Russell Crowe. A snarling Snoop Dogg. An obscenity-spewing Courtney Love (actual travel not required).
They're pussycats, one and all, compared to the she-bear of spoiled celebrities, Naomi Campbell, who got pulled off a British Airways plane in April 2008 after going berserk over a lost bag.
Between cursing out the pilot and scuffling with police, she ended up in court, received a fine and 200 hours of community service and earned a special place in the judges' hearts along with the DHoF's first-ever Lifetime Achievement Award.
Pound foolishness
We pay by the pound at the deli counter and candy store, so why not in the air?
That was the premise behind Derrie-Air, which made its debut in the summer of 2008 just as the debate over checked-bag fees was reaching its peak.
Using a "sliding scale," the airline promised to charge for the "entire package," i.e., the combined tonnage of you and your luggage.
Alas, the concept proved to be fictitious, part of a faux ad campaign, eliminating what could have been the best solution to America's obesity problem since "Sweatin' to the Oldies."
Crazy like a fox
And finally, the judges would like to announce the opening of the DHoF's International Wing with the induction of Michael O'Leary, the ever-entertaining chief executive of Ryanair.
This year alone, the cost-cutting cut-up has floated plans to charge a "fat tax" (on oversized passengers), offer standing-room flights (with bar stools instead of seats) and implement a pay-to-pee policy that would have passengers paying a pound to use the loo.
Honestly, it's hard to tell if O'Leary is serious or simply hungry for the spotlight, but the judges suspect they'll be updating his DHoF display for years to come.
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